Art Of Business

Maureen Thomson

by Maureen Thomson of Lyssabeth’s Wedding Officiants

I chose to tell a family member “no” this week. I felt we had to, for this person (as much as we adore her) requested of me something that–after much soul-searching and introspection–I felt we couldn’t do. At least, not without making a huge amount of adjustments to my life and I decided I wasn’t up to that challenge. Come to think of it, I didn’t exactly say no, but I offered a scaled-back alternative as a compromise. But yeah, I guess I did say no to the original request, so it counts as a no, no?

Business owners are used to hearing no. About half of the brides and grooms who inquire about our officiating services in effect tell me no when they don’t book us. That’s okay; the fact that we’re a good fit for 50% of those who do inquire is excellent. However, this does make me comfortable with hearing no.

It undoubtedly makes me better at saying no, as well, although doing so is seldom easy. Sometimes I have to tell brides no when they ask me to do things that in all good conscience I can’t do–like cut my price without scaling back the level of service. Saying yes to that request would devalue what I do and therefore who I am.

So, yeah; I’m well-acquainted with no. No is a word that brides should learn to say more. In fact I think “The Art of Saying No” should be a required course for all couples as soon as he slips the engagement ring on her finger. If brides said no more often, then planning a wedding might be a helluva lot more fun. Imagine yourself offering a polite but assertive no to the following:

• the wedding industrial complex who says that your wedding must be just so• your work colleagues who are expecting an invitation• the wedding vendor who attempts to get you to stretch your budget beyond your comfort level• the guest who wants to bring a date to the wedding (not that she has a boyfriend, mind you, but she’ll dredge one up for the occasion) • your cousin from out of town who asks to crash at your place for the wedding weekend because he can’t afford a hotel (and he wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world!) • your helpful Aunt Margaret who offers her “wedding planning” services so you can save the expense of a professional (after all, she’s raised three kids–how hard can coordinating a few vendors be?)

If any of the above situations hit close to home, or you just need a backbone in general, here are some tips from a self-proclaimed quasi-expert on saying no.

Be prepared to say no. Anticipate and practice. Yes–do try this at home. When it comes to weddings, people with opinions come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a New York City tenement. Resolve to not be a doormat and rehearse your response ahead of time.

When confronted with the request, buy yourself some time. Sometimes you have to process your thoughts before responding. Don’t answer right away. Use any of the following: “I’ll get back to you,” “I need to think about it,” “I’m rushing out the door, but I’ll call you back,” “I have to discuss it with my fiancé(e).” (Note this last one is a trick you can use for years if you master it well. I use the “I need to discuss it with my husband” every time I need to buy time–even if I know my husband won’t give a rip about my decision. He uses it in reverse. It’s very effective. One of the many perks of being married.)

But on the flip side of the above, do not elicit the opinion of everyone and their brother on the subject. Talk it over with your fiancé(e) if need be, but then address the request and move on. Do not make drama and suck everyone into the vortex of this issue.

Realize that how the recipient of the no responds to said no is neither your problem nor under your control. Your job is to carefully consider the request and to respond kindly, being as tactfully candid as possible. Beyond that, you’re off the hook.

Offer alternatives or a compromise if appropriate and if within your comfort level. This only works if something comes to mind right away. Don’t spend hours agonizing over how you could offer a compromise just so the recipient of the no doesn’t get mad at you.

If you have trouble saying no, consider what I call the Future Resentment Factor. The FRF is the amount of pissedoffedness you are going to feel at the requester and toward yourself when you are smack dab in the middle of the consequence brought about by not saying no. Whenever I take the time to calculate the FRF, I realize the amount of angst I’ll feel then is a drop in the bucket compared to the fleeting angst of saying no. A high FRF convinces me to say no every time.

Realize it’s not personal, and express this to the person to whom you are telling no. “It’s got nothing to do with you personally, we just have to stay within our budget.” “It’s not about you, it’s just that we agreed that we’d plan the wedding without asking family to help.” “Don’t take it personally, we turned down So-and-So for the same request.”

Recognize the value of the Little White Lie. All of the statements in the last paragraph could be LWLs. As long as your LWLs are undetectable and you’re not implicating anyone, go for it. If it preserve familial harmony, it’s forgivable.

Don’t take an inordinately long time to respond no. Yes, take time to think about your response, but don’t make the other person hang on for days or weeks waiting for your answer. That’s going to add fuel to the fire that you don’t need.

Most important, never apologize for saying no. Apologies are for when you do something wrong or intentionally hurtful to another. Saying no is not something for which you have to express remorse. Convey empathy with the person’s situation but do not ask forgiveness for your no. This puts you into the vulnerable position of being cajoled into turning no into yes.

And bear in mind that giving yourself permission to say no in no way condones you turning into a Bridezilla. Saying no to a request that you honestly feel you cannot (or do not wish to) grant is way different than the “it’s my wedding, so everyone else be damned” attitude adopted by some. Saying no is about setting healthy boundaries, not trampling over the boundaries of everyone in your path.

And if, after all of these tips, you still can’t say no? Send ‘em to me. Apparently, I’m quite good at it. (And it’s always easier to say no on someone else’s behalf.)

Maureen Thomson is a wedding officiant and is the owner of Lyssabeth’s Wedding Officiants and writes a popular blog about all things wedding related. Visit her websites at: Lyssabeth’s Western Slope Wedding Officiants , Lyssabeth’s blog and DIY Wedding Ceremony E-kit